I went to bed last night in a bad mood, I felt anxiety creeping up from my stomach and into my throat. My days in Croatia are few and I was starting to freak out. I thought I would wake up this morning and write a long, dramatic entry of how I wasn’t ready to leave, but I’ll save myself the embarrassment. I do feel like I’m not ready to go yet; there’s so much still to explore and many relationships that I would like to continue to cultivate. But honestly, who would be ready to leave behind an adventure. Longing to stay is almost the best way to go. It gives me more of a reason to come back. I would hate to be the exact opposite, pissed off at a country and damning it to anyone who would listen.
My biggest fear or the thing that has been hiding in the shadows of my mind, ready to pounce when I was the most vulnerable, was not that this amazingly wonderful opportunity would be ending but that when I return, I will revert back to being the person that I was before I left. Pre Croatia, I was a woman who was crazy stressed-out, anxious and unhappy the majority of the time. Think of any character Katherine Heigl has played, and that was me. I hated the way I was leading my life and the person who I had become because I knew that wasn’t me. Being able to come here was an opportunity for me to reset and come out refreshed with a clear mind. And my time here has been just that. There is a noticeable difference in who I am today and what I was then. And as cheesy as it sounds, Croatia has led me to remember what it was to enjoy life and how to be happy. The last thing I want to do is to lose that feeling and be that neurotic lady again.
My bible study this morning was titled “It’s OK to Enjoy Your Life”. I think the title alone is a lesson in itself. With everything that most people have going on, we do sometimes need to be reminded that life was meant to be enjoyed. It went on to say that there is a time for accomplishment and there is a time for enjoyment. We can’t lead a life worth living if we have one without the other. Life is a constant balancing act between two. Today’s lesson, which I think is probably the major lesson of my journey, has dramatically changed my outlook on my impending return. It’s time to tip the balance back towards the middle. As I start one of my final mornings in Varaždin (at least for the time being), I refuse to be sad. I’ve got a 12 hour trip home for that. Besides, there’s far too much life to enjoy today.